The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Republic
by Seno
Summary: *finished!* Right after being stuck by lightning, Kae Lowe and Bekah Churchill are sucked into SW, and meet Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, researchers for the hit informative book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Republic. Don't forget your towel! Rated for language.
1. Introduction

A/N This is basically a HUGE spoof of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in the form of Star Wars. I dunno, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.   
Disclaimer- (you knew this was commin') I own no rights to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or Star Wars, it would be so cool if I did though, I mean, i would SO yoink all Douglas Adams and Goerge Lucas's stuff, but then there's that whole lawsuit bit, nto that i have any money, which it probably why i spend my time writing fanfiction. Anywho, seeing as its illegal in America anyway, no, I don't own anything. I can't even get my mp3 player to work. *sigh*  
Enough of my babbling up here, to more of my babbling in story form! Oh joy!  
  
  
  
Far off in the center of the universe, better known as the Galactic Republic, all space-ways converge. At the center of this intergalactic bypass, is a rather large, iridescent amber planet, who's many life forms are so amazing sheltered, they are able to live the entirety of their lives in the same sky rises, and are perfectly fine with it.   
  
At the center of this bustling urban planet, was a temple, where certain, talented individuals would grow up, and then be dispersed around the galaxy to "keep the peace" so to speak. Although, it seemed that everyone on this planet had a problem with someone else, and usually that person was of a different species.   
  
This particular planet, being the center of the known universe, was also plagued with numerous gang fights, lightsaber duels, and good wholesome arguing, that from time to time would cause a revolution or two. May solutions were proposed, and most were thrown out with the garbage. Then, one particularly rainy Monday, Kaminoian decided, society should just be made of clones of one particular bounty hunter and that would end all conflict in the world.   
  
Unfortunately, before this particular Kaminoian was able to report his ingenious idea to the Galactic Senate, he was stuck in the middle of a terrible, horrible accident and got on the wrong side of a lightsaber.   
  
Therefore, the fighting and arguing continued, and the idea itself was set in a shelf in a "locked box," and everyone contuned being miserable, especially the talented few in the Jedi Temple.   
  
This is not his story.   
  
This is the story of that horrible, awful, and rather pointless accident. The story of this rather odd and dreary   
Monday does not begin on this planet, nor even in this galaxy. It begins a long, long time impending, in a universe fairly far from here.   
  
It begins with a javelin.   
  
  
A/N So? Whatcha think? FYI, when i posted this up origonally, it wasn't showing the next 2 chps i posted. . 


	2. For Starters

A/N Ok, so the very begining of this doesn't sound very SW-ish, but I promise it will as it get going!  
  
  
  
It was a perfectly ordinary javelin, practically normal in every way. It weighted about 600 grams, and had probably the most awful colour scheme anyone could ever think of. It was about 3 meters long, with about a meter of each: neon orange at the tip, then quickly transitioned to a lime green and then to a flashy purple. It was always that colour, and most people with any kind of artistic colour sense would complain. It wasn't very old, only about a year, and it was owned by a high school.   
  
In direct possession of this javelin, was Kae Lowe. She was a junior in high school and had "borrowed" the javelin for summer track. Like the school was ever going to get it back.   
  
She was feeling rather irritated, having just come in dead last in competition with a throw of a whopping 11 meters. She scowled just slightly, and stood in the sector, delivering a death stare to the javelin. She hated it. No, hate was to strong a word, she dislike, detested and found it abominable. Yes, that was it, she found it abominable.   
  
Crash. A golden electrical charge flew through the air. Lightning she thought, walking out and grabbing the javelin.   
It happened again, the sky flashed a momentary white, and then returned to a cold grey as a cold rain began to fall.   
Lightning.   
  
It suddenly hit her. "Oh shit," she squealed, and began to run away for the open field and toward Bekah Churchill who, had been screaming at her for that last 10 minutes to get her ass inside, and Kae cound not figure out why.   
  
Bekah was, as one will often say, one of the sharper tools in the shed. Ok, so they don't actually say that, but for this purpose, lets just say that they do. She was foolish enough to fall asleep during classes, but ingenious enough to get straight A's on every test and way the envy of many. People should never doubt the genius of fools.   
  
"KAE! What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screamed, her hands resting in her petite waist, one that was holding a VCR remote. She stood in the doorway of her home, which just happened to be right next to the field Kae was in.   
  
Coincidence? I think not.   
Bekah was the exact opposite of Kae, short, thin, blonde and though a somewhat peculiar fellow. Kae was a tall, somewhat chubby brunette, who was very bright, despite what people would think.   
  
"What does it look like I'm bloody doing?" Kae yelled, now thoroughly waterlogged, "I'm trying to make this bloody javelin go from point A to point B and doing one hell of a lousy job!"   
  
"I'll say."   
  
"Very funny."  
  
"I thought so."  
  
"Heh."   
  
"Now, stop your blubbering, and come inside, Episode I's about to start." Bekah sighed, turning around and looking eagerly at the TV. Kae suddenly perked up at the sound of Star Wars. This meant a whole two hours of no javelin, a whole two-hours of watching Ewan McGregor.   
  
"Whohoo!" Kae exclaimed, running forward and putting a hand on Bekah's shoulder.   
  
"Come on K.Lo," she grinned. Kae managed to scowl at the nickname.   
  
Just then, a rouge bolt of lightning tore thought the air, hitting the tip of Kae's javelin and in turn, also striking Bekah. Talk about dumb luck.   
  
  
"Kae... Kae wake up..." Bekah whispered, while shaking Kae as hard as she could.   
  
"Oi." Kae grumbled, rubbing the back of her head. "What is it? I was having a rather pleasant dream, Obi-Wan had just pledged his love to me..."  
  
"That all fine and dandy, but I urge you to take a look down there..." Bekah whispered. She was pointing down a long metallic hallway, where two black balls were rapidly rolling toward them.   
  
"Oh hell. Destroyer Droids." Kae looked wide-eyed at Bekah, just as another fairly masculine voice also commented on the druids.   
  
"Master, destroyers." A cloaked man, who could only be identified at Obi-Wan Kenobi told his Jedi mentor, another cloaked man who at that moment had his lightsaber shoved between two duristeel doors, who was most obviously Qui-Gon Jinn. Kae and Bekah looked at eachother, a black stare on their faces.   
  
"Shall we?"  
  
"Why, yes, I do belive..."  
  
"SAVE US!!" the both screamed, latching onto one of the Jedi.   
  
"I told you I had a bad feeling Master."   
  
  
  
A/N Hope you liked it! So what if its kinda short, that chps will get longer. Please review! I will most likely continue if all y'all like it, so please tell me! Don't forget to Flame! (^.^ we don't mind flames here!) 


	3. The Guide

A/N Chp 3! Hope ya like it!  
  
  
  
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon fought off the driods, with some difficulty seeing as two teenage girls had latched themselves to their arm.   
  
Kae was spending this time wishing she had some sort of a weapon. She really wanted some type of blaster, lightsaber, or anything that might make her less of a moving target. She was holding onto Obi-Wan for dear life, which was probably the only bit of this she didn't much mind. Kae began to clench a fist, and felt something in her hand. She looked down to find a somewhat scorched javelin still in her hand.   
  
"Oh, just my luck," she scowled, decided to help the Jedi out. She speared one of the druids, hitting the self-destruct button.   
  
"Good aim." The older Jedi said, grabbing Bekah's wrist and turning to run down a hallway. Obi-Wan did the same to Kae, who was trying to pull her javelin out of the wall.   
  
"Come on," he said, following his mentor. Kae shrugged, it wasn't everyday that she got to follow someone that cute around.   
  
"Obi-Wan, take one of the girls and stow inside one of the transports," Qui-Gon said, a few minutes later after helping both girls out of an air vent.   
  
"Yes Master," Obi-Wan said, taking Kae's wrist once again and pulling her with him. "Oh, Master," he said, a goon natured smile escaping his lips, "you were right about one thing. The negotiations were short."   
  
"The negotiations were short..." Bekah mocked, receiving a glare from the Jedi. "Whaaaat?"  
  
"Lets go," Qui-Gon said calmly, pulling Bekah along with him.   
  
"Follow me, and stay low," Obi-Wan told Kae.   
  
"Oh? Like I don't know the art of sneaking? Come one, I've stalked many a person and NEVER been caught."  
  
"Alright, then just be quiet."   
  
"Oh right. I knew that."   
  
  
Once they were both safely aboard the carrier, well, as safe as one can be while on a ship full of rather hostile droids, but anyway, now that they were both on the ship, Kae began to relax.   
  
"Are we going to Naboo?" she asked quietly.  
  
"I assume so. How did you get in the middle of that?" Obi-Wan asked.   
  
"Just a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Rather annoying skill." Kae shrugged.   
  
"I see. Well, I am Obi-Wan Kenobi."  
  
"I know that."   
  
"What?"  
  
"I heard Qui--- um, the other guy."  
  
"Oh. Right."  
  
"My name is Kae Lowe. Not to be confused with J.Lo."   
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Don't ask."  
  
"I won't."  
  
"Hey! What's this?" Kae picked up a rather large datapad with a thing plastic cover with the words "Don't Panic" written on it in large white friendly letters.   
  
"This? It's only the most wholly remarkable book written in the entire universe. It's "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Republic". My mentor and I are researchers for it." Obi-Wan explained, twirling the hilt of his lightsaber in his hand giving of the impression that he was rather bored.   
  
"How interesting."  
  
  
  
The most useful thing a hitchhiker in the Galactic Republic can have, according to the Guide, it a lightsaber. A lightsaber, it says, is a wonderfully useful tool. It is able to slice through almost every known substance, including duristeel emergency doors, as well as flesh and bone. Besides that fact that it is incredibly deadly weapon, it is also useful for other things. If someone would see a lightsaber, they would instantly assume that you were a Jedi or Sith, and in turn, treat you with the respect that you deserve, so to speak, and assume that you are also in the possession of a aqua breather, rope, energy and food capsules, and will lend you one if you "run out." Also, a lightsaber can be used for emergency medical attention, as when the blade strikes something, it instantly cauterizes the wound, and stops the bleeding. Of course, one would need to seek actual medical attention soon afterward.   
  
Unfortunately, the only way to obtain a lightsaber is to 1) Make one with your Jedi/Sith mentors 2) kill a Jedi/Sith and take his 3) Beg until they give in. Number 3 never works.   
  
The Guide also says that if you are not able to receive a lightsaber, then next most useful thing you can have, is a towel.   
  
  
A/N Ok, i swear that I'll make the chapters longer after this! 


	4. Don't Panic

A/N Wow... I never expected to get so many reviews. 9. wow. thats like, my ultimate record. Thank you who reviewed, Jojo, Cate, Padawan Bant, Clone-for-Breakfast, Harriet, Slytherianfirebolt and Red-chan! Here's a new bit.   
  
  
Run. Run. Run. RUN RUN RUN!   
  
Bekah looked back over her shoulder. Big thing, moving toward them. Well, hovering. A gungan grabbed Qui-Gon in a big bear hug, and knocked him over.   
  
"Bekah! Get down!" he yelled.   
  
"Why does he tell everyone to get down?" Bekah speculated, now lying on her stomach. "These pants were DRY-CLEAN ONLY! Now their ruined." She sulked.   
  
The gungan looked up at Qui-Gon, rather misty eyed. He was a lofty, rather repulsive looking creature, which oddly enough, reminded her of Denis Rodman.   
  
"Yousa saved me! Ise in debted! Meesa Jar Jar Binks!"  
  
"Gungans," Qui-Gon shook his head, "It had to be a Gungan."  
  
  
  
"RESISTANCE IS USELESS!" A droid bellowed while chasing Kae and Obi-Wan on a hoverbike. It shot a blaster rifle, but its aim was appalling, to say the least, which, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing.   
  
"We're gonna die! We're gonna die!"  
  
"Can't you try to be positive?" Obi-Wan asked somewhat exasperated.   
  
"How can I be positive? We're running, they're FLYING. You are being smart and NOT taking out your lightsaber. Oh, yes I'm do believe we're about to die, but its really no big deal, lets just continue this game of cat and mouse." Kae said, hoping Obi-Wan didn't miss the sarcasm in her voice. Obi-Wan missed the sarcasm, being as they didn't have that at the Jedi Temple, and could only recognize it when he was really trying.   
  
"Alright then," he said, pulling her along with him at a dead sprint.   
  
Well, he's a bit dull, Kae thought, but aren't all the cute ones?  
  
  
  
"Master!" Obi-Wan yelled breathlessly.   
  
"Obi-Wan! How are you?" Qui-Gon greeted. They both took out their lightsabers and with a flash of colour- green and blue- they were able to take down the droids.   
  
"Oh, like you couldn't do that by yourself, eh?" Kae inquired. Obi-Wan just smiled affably.   
  
"Say, Jar Jar, will you bring us to one of those underwater Gungan cities?" Qui-Gon asked.   
  
"Master, are you sure that's a good idea?"   
  
"Isa can't. Been.... banished!" Jar Jar got one of those looks on his face that a child gets when he had broken that precious heirloom.   
  
"Why would it be a bad idea?" Bekah asked.   
  
"Look it up." Obi-Wan told Kae.   
  
  
The word GUNGAN began to flash in blue letters and the book began to speak in a soft and melodically. Gungans, it says, are a race of unintelligent, bad-tempered and rather annoying creatures. If you ever run into a Gungan, then turn and run the other was as fast as you can, or else you'll in all probability be stuck with them for life.   
  
("Too late for that one..." Bekah commented. )  
  
The best way to annoy a Gungan is to bring a banished citizen back to the cities. The best was to get a drink out a Gungan is to comment on their poetry.   
  
On no account allow a Gungan to read poetry at you.   
  
  
Kae blinked at it. "Strange book."   
  
CRASH.  
  
"You hear that?" Qui-Gon asked the Gungan. "That is the sound of a thousand terrible things coming this way."  
  
"And when they find us, they will smash us into little pieces and blast us into oblivion." Obi-Wan finished.   
  
"Follow meesa!"  
  
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Bekah asked.   
  
"Duuuuuude." Kae was pulling at Obi-Wan's sleeve. "Obi-Waaaaan! So we're going down into impending danger?"  
  
"It would appear that way." He replied.   
  
"And the point of that would beee?" Bekah cut in.   
  
"To get out of even more impending danger..." Qui-Gon replied.   
  
"Well, you see, we're a bit upset about that." Bekah sighed.  
  
"We quite understand."  
  
"NO YOU DON'T!" Kae yelled.   
  
"Look at the book." Obi-Wan instructed.   
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Don't Panic."  
  
"I'm not panicking."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"No! Alright, so I am panicking. Leave me alone." Kae puffed out her cheeks in irritation and crossed her arms   
tightly across her chest.   
  
"You'll have to forgive her, it's been a long day, and I'm afraid she forgot her medication."  
  
  
A/N Alright, this chp kind of sucks. Oh well. Comming up next chapter: Poetry reading! Journey through the center of the planet! And- HENRY the Clinically Depressed Battle Driod! 


	5. Poetry Reading

A/N New bit. I had a bit of fun with this chapter. ^.^ Hope ya like!  
  
  
  
"So, do we get little breather thingies?" Bekah asked, her hands on her hips. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon gave each other a look.   
  
"I'll take that as a no... so we're supposed to HOLD OUR BREATH until we reach this 'underwater city'? I think not." Bekah said rather sharply.   
  
"Not to worry, a Jedi is always prepared." Qui-Gon replied, taking out an extra and handing it to Bekah.   
  
"What about Kae?" Bekah asked.  
  
"I'm not swimming in that." Kae said, folding her arms.   
  
"Oh yes you are." Obi-Wan replied, handing her an aqua breather.   
  
"Says who?"  
  
"Me." Bekah said. "And Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon as well."  
  
"Meesa too!"  
  
"He doesn't count." Bekah said, rolling her eyes at the Gungan. Annoy little bugger.   
  
"Yes, I quite agree. But there's no way this side of Hades that I'm going in there! BIG FISH." Kae said, backing away from the water.   
  
"Only if ya go in real deep. No fishies near Gungan city." Jar Jar said with a goofy smile.   
  
"Did anyone ASK you?" Bekah snapped.   
  
"Meesa sorry."  
  
"Good. You should be. Now Kae, get in the water. Your Mummy didn't spend money on swimming lessons when you were 5 for you to completely blow it now." Bekah said, rather annoyed.   
  
"You leave my Mum out of this!"   
  
"Then get your butt in the water."   
  
"Fine." Kae said, sniffling loudly and taking the breather from Obi-Wan.   
  
  
  
It was like swimming into a giant bubble, a giant pretty city bubble. The moved through the outside film and found themselves standing, rather damp, in a bustling cosmopolitan area. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon reached into their billowing cloaks and pulled out a towel. After drying themselves off, they handed the now very damp towel to one of the girls, who stared blankly at it.   
  
"Ooo! Jar Jar. Whatcha yousa doin' back? Oooo. Youse in big Doo-doo this time."   
  
Bekah and Kae snickered and mouthed 'Doo-doo' to each other.   
  
"Yousa goin' to Boss Nass." The Gungan said. Jar Jar took in a big gulp and looked at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, who just shrugged.   
  
"Doo-doo. Ha ha ha." Bekah was still laughing.   
  
"Bekah, is honestly wasn't that funny."  
  
"Oh, right, sorry."   
  
  
  
The group followed the Gungan to a round chamber where a rather large and incredibly obese creature.   
  
"Jar Jar! PFFFFFFFTTT! What yousa doin' back?" Boss Nass asked, spraying a thin layer of spit on Kae and Bekah.   
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeerrmmm. Meesa miss home? Heh heh errm." Jar Jar said, beads of sweat running down his temples.   
  
"Meesa t'ink youse need punishment. Meesa gonna do you de honor, of reading you poetry! PPPPFFFFTTTTTT!" Boss Nass spit.  
  
Kae looked over at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, who were twitching.   
  
"I've gotta baaad feeling," whispered Bekah. They all stood there stiffly while the enormous Gungan took out a small pad of paper. Kae grabbed Obi-Wan's towel and tried to use it to dodge spit.   
  
"PFFFFFFFTTTTTTT!!!! Biga, Biga boss man of thee Gungan. Itsa not all that much fun-gan. PFFFFTTTTTT!!" Bekah looked back to see Qui-Gon collapse and begin to convulse, Obi-Wan had his fingers in his ears and his left eye was twitching, and Jar Jar was flopping around on the ground like a fish.   
  
"PTTTTTTTTFFFFFFF!!!! Musta hide froma da Naboo. Thy doo-doo heads treat us like wesa POO POO! PTTTTFFFFFF!"   
  
Qui-Gon was now shaking continually and Obi-Wan was cowering in a corner and humming 'I'm A Little Tea Pot.' Jar Jar sat up straight and asked very politely "Would anyone care for a crumpet?"  
  
The entire room including the mentally unstable Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, stopped in mid hemorrhage, and stared blankly at Jar Jar, who just smiled a shrugged. "Yes, I agree, we also could use some tea."   
  
Then he passed out.   
  
"So, eh, what do youse t'ink of my poem?"  
  
Kae and Bekah smiled brightly.   
  
"Actually, we quiet like it."  
  
"Youse likin' my poem?" Boss Nass asked, a sly smile made a way across his grotesque face. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon gave them a rather flabbergasted stare.   
  
"Yes, erm, we really enjoyed the emotion in the underlying metaphor, and... ermm..." Bekah said, elbowing Kae.  
  
"And the imagery, wow, the way it counterpoints the surrealism of the... erm... uh..." Kae sputtered.  
  
"Of the humanity of the Gungan!" Obi-Wan finished. This was not an approach that he had considered.   
  
"So, youse sayin' that ise writin' poetry 'coz Ise unhappy wit the treatment of Gungan PFFFFFTTTT!!" Boss Nass scratched his chin and thought for a moment. "Youse right. But weese gonna send you through da middle of da planet ne'way. PFFFFFTTTTT"   
  
"Oh joy." Bekah mumbled.   
  
"Oh joyous joy." Kae added from under the now spit soaked towel.   
  
"And your making us take Jar Jar with us?" Qui-Gon asked. Boss Nass grinned and nodded. "Figures. Oh well, now we have Sith bate."  
  
"Whosa youse callin' Sith bate?" Jar Jar asked.   
  
"You."  
  
"Oki day."   
  
  
"Oh god, we're gonna die." Kae yelled stepping into the Bongo.   
  
"Will you stop saying that?" Obi-Wan asked, now thoroughly annoyed.   
  
"Padawan, you must control your anger. The Dark Side I sense." Qui-Gon said sternly.   
  
"Yeeaaah!" Bekah said, sticking out her tongue.   
  
"BIG FISH DOWN DEEP! THAT'S WHAT THE IDOIT OVER HERE SAID!!" Kae yelled.   
  
"We know," Qui-Gon said, as he gagged Jar Jar and tied him to the back of the Bongo. "Alright, we're off!"   
  
"I'm to young to die! I haven't even been in the prime of my life!" Kae protested.   
  
"Life." A low and hopeless mechanical voice said from the corner. It moved so one could just barley make out the face of a battle droid. "Don't talk to me about life."   
  
  
  
A/N Hope you like it, ^.^ You must love those inter-species poetry readings. ok, so i said there was going to be the journey, its the BEGINNING of the journey, so there! nah! ^.^ Please R and R/Flame! 


	6. H3NR7

A/N Oki! Here's the next bit, sorry about the wait. ^.^   
  
  
"I think you'd out to know," the droid said, moving ever so slightly but making it look like it was agonizingly difficult but somewhat heroic that it was even moving, "I'm feeling rather depressed today."  
  
"Naw... really!?" Bekah said sarcastically.  
  
"You know, I think he was serious." Obi-Wan said rather matter-of-factly.   
  
"I know."   
  
"Oh. Carry on then."   
  
"Might one inquire, who are you?" Kae asked.   
  
"I am Battle Droid H3NR7. You can call me Henry." The droid replied in a dull voice.   
  
"Well 'ello there Henry! I'm Kae, and this is Bekah! And then over there is Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon! Welcome to the group!" Kae said brightly, trying to sound as peppy and cheerleaderish as possible.   
  
"So happy, mocking me..." the driod said, and if it could have glared, Kae would be receiving the death glare.   
  
"Master, I've got--"   
  
"Don't you dare say you have a bad feeling about this." Bekah snapped, cutting Obi-Wan off.   
  
"Why?" Qui-Gon inquired.   
  
"Because every time he said he had 'a bad feeling' something always goes horribly wrong." Bekah said.   
  
"He's not worried yet though," Kae said.   
  
"Quite true, you can't see the steam escaping out his ears." Qui-Gon said with a mild shrug. Obi-Wan grinned affably turned to the controls.   
  
"Are you sure that Gungan said to go through the center of the earth?" he asked.   
  
"Yes. It's apparently the fastest way to reach the Naboo." Qui-Gon said with a nod.   
  
"I'm feeling very very depressed." Henry said.   
  
"Well, how about you just enjoy the ride? That should take your mind off things." Kae suggested.   
  
"I don't know... I've a rather large mind..." Henry said. "That's it though? Just sit back?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I won't enjoy it." said Henry. Kae let out a deep sigh of irritation and turned back to Obi-Wan.   
  
"We there yet?"   
  
"No."  
  
"How 'bout now?" Bekah asked.   
  
"No, not quite yet."   
  
"Now?"  
  
"NO."   
  
"You didn't have to yell." Kae said with a sniff.   
  
  
Crunch.   
  
A rather large fish has just latched itself to the back of their Bongo. The lights in the Bongo abruptly went off, and the engine shut down.   
  
"Well, I think its safe to say that wasn't good..." Bekah said, looking around the Bongo.   
  
"Is everyone alright?" Qui-Gon asked. Kae took a deep breath and sai-  
  
"Kae, don't you even say it." Obi-Wan said, opening the ignition and playing with the controls.   
  
"We're gonna die!" Kae whimpered. Obi-Wan huffed and continued to play with the wires.   
  
"I was such a young droid too, its a shame such potential was waisted. My mind is much larger than any of yours..." Henry sighed. "Goodbye cruel world."   
  
"We're trapped now, aren't we?" Bekah asked.   
  
"Yes, it would appear that way," Qui-Gon nodded in agreement.   
  
"Can't you think of something? I don't want to get eaten by a big fish." Bekah asked hopefully.   
  
"Yes, I thought of something," Kae said, "but it involved not being in the Bongo."  
  
"Was it a good idea?" asked Qui-Gon.  
  
"Oh yes, very clever."  
  
"What did it every matter?" asked Henry. "So, we're going to die now."  
  
"Yes... yes we... Wait! What's this switch!?" cried Obi-Wan.   
  
"What!?" Kae asked.   
  
"Just kidding, we're going to die after all."   
  
  
Just then, the big fish let go as it was hit in the head by a rather large flower pot puff of orchids and the fish swam away, rather disoriented. Obi-Wan got the ship moving, and then headed back down toward the center of the planet. Just to make things difficult though, another creature tried to kill them. This was a Bantha. This Bantha, was genetically engineered by the Naboo to keep out the Gungans, so that when something passed through the center, it would be shot like a missile toward the ship. This particular Bantha had just been born as it sped through the water. These are its thoughts from the moment life from when it began to when it ended.   
  
Hmmm? What's this? It thought, speeding through the water.   
  
Pardon? Who's talking to me?  
  
Excuse me?  
  
You're being rather rude.  
  
Why am I here? What is the purpose of life?  
  
Oh my, I'm much to young to worry about that. Lets leave that to those yuppies in lab coats. What is that thing I feel pulling, perhaps I should make up names. Wow, what it this thick stuff rolling past my face? ir...air.... HAIR! And what are those long curly things on my he-head! They're.... -orns... HORNS! I do seem to enjoy the letter H.   
  
Wow. I feel faint. What is this stuff I'm in? I can't seem to.... Br..brea... breathe... breathe! That's it! Help! I fear I'm going to suffocate! Well, might as well live life to my full potential now.   
  
Hey! What's going on now? I think I know what I look like, I'm very handsome. Wow. I can't wait to see the rest of the world.   
  
My, I am really beginning to feel woozy.   
  
Hey! What's this thing moving at me real fast? Its so grey, so many crevices. I think I will call it rock. I wonder if it will be my friend....  
  
  
And the rest was a loud thud as the Bantha narrowly missed our heroes and instead hit a rock wall.   
  
Interestingly enough, the only thing that was going through the orchid's mind was: Oh lordy lord, why me?  
  
  
  
A/N Well, hope you enjoyed it, although I was rather dispointed with this chapter, wasn't quite as amusing as the others, but oh well. Please R and R! 


	7. Improbability Drive

A/N Yay! More reviews. I feel special. Thank you to Jayde Star and a special, BIG thank you to Jojo and Padawan Bant. Ty!  
  
  
"Finally! We're out of that stupid Bongo!" exclaimed Kae, standing up and looking around at a large and magnificent looking palace, which oddly enough, looked computer animated. Go figure.   
  
"Now we must go and retrieve Queen Amidala." Qui-Gon told Obi-Wan while dragging the unconscious gungan behind him.   
  
"Did you say Amidala?" Henry asked. Qui-Gon nodded.   
  
"Oh, thats just lovely. We HAVE to go and rescue Queen Amidala." Henry said. "Well, just follow me then. I still know all the way into the palace."  
  
"Excuse me?" said Obi-Wan.   
  
"Didn't I ever tell you?" questioned Henry, "I was the captain of the Queen's guard." Henry walked though a door.  
  
"Thank you, for making a lowly door very happy. Have a grrreat day!" Hummed the door rather brightly.   
  
"I hate that door," Henry scoffed.   
  
"May I ask why its so peppy?" said Bekah.   
  
"Oh, the Queen decided to have real human personalities put in the machines all over the palace, 'make it a much nicer place,' she said, 'if everything was always happy to work for you!' Look at me. They screwed up big time." He said rather sarcastically and in a low tone. "Am I getting you down at all?"   
  
"Absolutely not," Kae said.   
  
"Pity." responded Henry. "Well, are you coming or not? I have all day."  
  
"Yes, do lead the way."   
  
  
The Queen was being led down the hallway by battle droids along with her ever so loyal handmaidens. She was wearing one heck of an ugly black dress with a feather head dress. You see, in Naboo, the 'Queen' didn't have much power. In fact, her only job was to sit on the throne and look pretty, but Amidala even had problems with that.   
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon ran in, lightsabers held high, and released them with ease.   
  
"Your Majesty, you'll have to come with us." Qui-Gon told the very tacky dresser. Amidala looked back at her handmaidens and told them it would be very dangerous. One handmaiden nodded every so slightly and told Amidala that they were very brave. So, on the note, the group decided to make its way down to the hanger.   
  
Once there, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon had yet, another showdown with some battle droids (Kae and Bekah yoinked a few of the droids Blasters), in which Henry "resented" the fact that they were murdering his kind in cold oil and was considerably more depressed, even more so paranoid after that.   
  
They released the pilots and ran to the ship. Bekah shot her blaster, just narrowly missing Obi-Wan's shoulder but in turn killing a droid. Kae was helping the Queen into the ship, her dress had gotten caught and she had broken a nail while trying to shove Jar Jar onto the ship. The horror.   
  
"Where to?" the pilot asked.   
  
"Coruscant." Replied Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan took a seat near the pilots and the pilots began to try to leave the atmosphere. Of course, there were some fighter planes in the air, trying to take them down.   
  
"Improbability 1297 to 1 and rising." The computer said.   
  
"Excuse me?" Kae asked, grabbing onto Obi-Wan as the ship lurched.   
  
"Haven't you ever heard of Improbability Drive?" asked Obi-Wan.   
  
"Never," Kae replied.   
  
"AIEEEEEE!" They heard Bekah squeal from another compartment. When they ran in there, they found Bekah, Amidala and her handmaidens floating in the air. Bekah was rapidly loosing her limbs, Queen Amidala was turning into a duck, and her handmaidens were all becoming a tea set.   
  
"Oi! Now how am I supposed to operate my digital watch!?" complained Bekah. Amidala replied to this with a quack.   
  
"Would you please return my companions back to their normal selves?" Qui-Gon asked.   
  
"Improbability 1105483279 to 2 and stabilizing." Replied the computer. Bekah was returned her limbs and the Queen and her handmaidens were becoming more human.   
  
"How do you feel?" Kae asked.   
  
"Granted, they're a bit shorter than I like them, but otherwise fine." Bekah said. The Queen quacked.   
  
  
"We could land here, Tatooine," said Obi-Wan.  
  
"Yes, we can't make it to Coruscant without repairs on the Improbability Drive." Replied Qui-Gon. The pilots began to re-route to Tatooine, and Obi-Wan was scratching his chin and reading up on the planet. Qui-Gon stood in the backround and stuck a rather heroic looking pose, which in itself was rather pointless because no one was paying attention to him.   
  
  
Kae and Bekah had knocked out Jar Jar and shoved him in the back room with Henry and the other droids on the ship.   
  
"I don't much like that Queen," scowled Kae.   
  
"She to prissy."  
  
"She looks at Obi-Wan weird."  
  
"Will you shut up about him! We all know you drool over any guy with an accent." Bekah scowled.  
  
"Oi. At least I don't always hang out with a guy who looks like a hippie and is old enough to be my dad."   
  
"Point taken." Bekah said. "But anyway, back to that annoying Queen, just remember, that's Sabé in the ugly dress. Padmé's the real Queen. Qui-Gon, are we going to make a stop soon?" Bekah yelled up to the cockpit.   
  
"Yes, we're going to Tatooine."   
  
Bekah and Kae looked at each other. They were headed to the world of a sandy blonde kid who was one hell of a bad actor. "Anakin."  
  
  
Bekah, Qui-Gon, Henry and unfortunately, Padmé walked into a rather small run down looking building. There, an alien was making sandwiches.   
  
According to the Guide, there is a certain art to making sandwiches, and one must travel lengths of the galaxy to find one of the great master of sandwich making. Most of these can be found in the Crimson Corridor section of Coruscant. Most people prefer not to eat those on Tatooine, because they are much to sandy. On Dathomir they use too much Mayo, and on Kamino they specialized in tuna, and just tuna.   
  
The alien looked up from his sandwich.   
  
"What can I do for you?" he asked.   
  
"We need parts for a Imperial Naboo Starship," Qui-Gon said, holding up a hologram of the ship. "Our Improbability drive had been slightly damaged. This droid has all the information." And he pointed to Henry who let out a groan.   
  
"I'm feeling VERY depressed."  
  
"We know." Bekah grumbled. "Now go follow the nice alien and try not to kill anymore computers."   
  
"I won't enjoy it."  
  
"She wasn't asking you to." Padmé sighed.   
  
"I don't want to go."  
  
"Henry." Bekah warned.   
  
"Yes mother..." Henry sneered. He followed the alien and Qui-Gon into the back room.   
  
"Are you an angel?" a small sandy haired boy asked Padmé.  
  
"No. She isn't." Bekah scowled.   
  
"Don't worry about her. She's not used to this climate and is a bit grumpy." Padmé said sweetly. Bekah smiled disdainfully and pretended to examine the droids.   
  
"My name's Anakin Skywalker. What's yours?"  
  
"Padmé Naberrie. And that's Bekah Churchill."  
  
"Wow. Bekah, what's that on your wrist?" Anakin asked, his eyes growing wide.   
  
"What? This? Its my digital watch."  
  
"Ooooooh!"  
  
  
"Do you take Republic Credits?" Qui-Gon asked, coming back in.  
  
"What kind of a fool do you take me for? The Republic has no say out here!" the alien scowled.   
  
"I told you, but do you listen to old Henry? No. Even if my intelligence is 100 times yours."   
  
"Shut up Henry." Said Qui-Gon, who then continued his argument.   
  
  
Henry went and activated another battle droid.   
  
"Get out of my way Sir," the droid said, "I've got to kill those humans over there."  
  
"Henry, kill that thing, will ya?" Bekah scowled and she left with Qui-Gon and Padmé.   
  
  
  
"So, guess what they left my to fight you with?" Henry asked.   
  
"An electron cannon?"  
  
Henry shook his head.   
  
"No, eh? Ermm, how about those new plasma blasters?"  
  
"Nice, aren't they? But no."   
  
"Really, well, then I suppose its something very deadly and amazing."  
  
"No, it really isn't."  
  
'So, what, one of those old fashioned blasters?" asked the droid.   
  
"Nope." Sighed Henry. "You're thinking along the complete wrong lines."   
  
"Lasers?"  
  
"No. The left me nothing. I'm to fight you empty handed."  
  
"Why those stinking humans. I'm offended."  
  
"Oh, you should be."  
  
The droid then shot his blaster in a wild rage, and failed its arms so wildly, that it accidentally hit its own Self Destruct button and blew into oblivion.   
  
"Depressingly stupid machine. Its a shame, and to think, I share a serial number with it." Henry said as he trudged away to catch up with Qui-Gon, Bekah and Padmé.   
  
  
A/N Alright, so this chapter sucked too. *sigh* eh. Anyway, anyone have any sudjections of Hitchhiker's Guide stuff I can put in SW? I've already got a nice Digital Watch segement lines up, so anyone have a favourite scene or anything they'd like to see, drop me a review or an e-mail! thx! 


	8. 42

A/N so sorry for the wait, I've been buisy, actually doing stuff. God, whatta concept, but now seeing as my doing stuff has left me broke... heh heh heh... love the J-Pop and manga! Must work to get more... muahahaha... yeah, and then my new story I posted up kinda sux, and I got my first flame... blah...   
  
Ok, I promise to be nicer to Ani and Padmé. It'll be hard, but I guess I can do it!   
  
Note to Kaminari- I did not 'nick' your Kamanari-ness, I only 'yoinked' it. Yes, there's a difference. Ask Mini-Bean for guidance.  
  
  
  
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!" Bekah exclaimed, looking around the street. Qui-Gon had momentarily stopped in front of a cantina, and Bekah had never seen so many... interesting looking aliens. "That one looks nice! I wonder if he'll be my friend!" she said with a big grin and pointed at one particular alien, this on was named Sebulba.   
  
"Bekah, no harassing the other species." Qui-Gon pointed out.   
  
"I'll play nice!" Bekah protested.   
  
"Bekah, please." Padmé said. Bekah scowled and followed Qui-Gon, her head down. This would have been perfectly fine, had that certain alien not get up, and walk right in front of Bekah, who in turn tripped over him.   
  
"Talk about ironic!" Bekah growled. "Hey, sorry 'bout that man." Sebulba glared at her for a moment, and then was about to lunge, when little Anakin showed up. He said something in another language (Bekah now wished that she was in possession of a Babel Fish) and Sebulba looked somewhat insulted, then glared at Bekah.   
  
"Next time, you ain't gonna be so lucky!" he said in Basic, and then waddled off.   
  
"Don't pick a fight with him, he's the toughest guy out here." Anakin said.   
  
"Hello again Anakin!" Padmé said happily. Anakin smiled at her. The two had a "moment."   
  
Sand began to blow up around them. Cold tan grains swirled, making it difficult to see.   
  
"You all better come to my place!" Anakin said and lead the way.  
  
  
  
  
"So then, I was like 'Oh my god!' and she was like, 'No way!' and I was like, 'uh huh'!" Kae said.   
  
"So all girls talk like that where you're from?" Obi-Wan asked. He had enough of Kae's girl talk, more importantly; he was tired of hearing her talk all together.   
  
"No. Just the weird super-preps."   
  
"Super-preps?" Obi-Wan asked, taking out a pad of paper. If he was going to be subjected to such torture, he could at least make a good entry on these, "Super-preps" as they were called.  
  
"I don't like them. They think they're so cool, and they are so into themselves. They never pull their own weight, and they make fun of me." Kae said, a scowl on her face. "They think they know everything!" Obi-Wan gave her n look, this was a side of Kae he'd never send before; and wasn't quite sure he wanted to see.   
  
"I know everything!" he said suddenly.   
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"I said that I know everything!"  
  
"I heard that part. So, then if you're so smart, what is everything?" Kae asked.   
  
"42."  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"42."  
  
"No, I got that bit. What's the big about knowing everything?"  
  
"That's it. The answer to life the universe and everything! Its 42." Obi-Wan said, looking rather smug and proud of himself.   
  
"If you weren't a Jedi, I wouldn't believe it. HEY! I WOULD HAVE NEEDED THAT FOR MY MATH FINAL!"   
  
  
  
"Errm... Qui-Gon, I think we're missing someone..." Padmé pointed out. Anakin looked around, and then back to Padmé.   
  
"No, I don't think we are." Qui-Gon said, "we started with..." he counted on his fingers for a moment, "we have 4, we started with 4. Perfect!"   
  
"Alright then. Wow, do we seem a bit peppier than before?" Bekah asked.   
  
"Yes, very." Anakin said.   
  
"Odd." Qui-Gon said. "Well, I suppose we can wait out the storm at Ani's place, you don't mind if I call you Ani, do you?"  
  
" 'course not!"  
  
"Good. Then we can go back and steal the stuff we need from Watto's."   
  
"Stealing? I don't know if Her Majesty would approve." Padmé commented.   
  
"What Her Majesty doesn't know won't hurt her." Bekah said.   
  
"Alright, then I don't' approve."  
  
"What else is new?"  
  
"I would help, but I have to pod race tomorrow!" Anakin said.   
  
"Pod race?" Bekah said, suddenly perking up. "I like pod races."   
  
"But my racer's broken. I can fix it! I have too! The Bonta Eve Pod Race if the most important!" Anakin explained.   
  
"Yeah! The Hutt's 'll be there and everything!" Bekah added.  
  
"And how would you know this?" Padmé asked.   
  
"Educated guess?"   
  
  
  
"What do you mean by this whole 42 thing?" Kae asked, now that the sandstorm was over, she had decided to play in the sand. She had tried to talk the Handmaidens into helping with a sand castle, but they didn't want to dry out their skin.   
  
"I already told you, it just happens to be the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything."   
  
"Erm, yes, yes you did say that. I just don't understand." Kae replied, rolling her eyes, expecting it to be wholly obvious that what he was saying went in one ear and out the other.   
  
"Well, did you know that Aldeeran is actually a rather large computer?" Obi-Wan asked.   
  
"No. If I did, would you be explaining it to me?"   
  
"Point taken. Well, Aldeeran is actually a large comouter."  
  
"Ya don't say."   
  
"Pity though, the mice have got to be furious. Its going to be destroyed in about 50 years to build an intergalactic bypass. They're creating a wonderful ship to destroy it though, I believe its called the Death Star. Rather morose name though." Obi-Wan explained. Kae took a handful of sand in her fist and cocked an eyebrow.   
  
"Pardon? Mice?"   
  
"Hello!" another, rather dull and gloomy voice said.   
  
"Henry? What are you doing back?" Obi-Wan asked, with just a hint of disappointment in his voice. He was hoping that Henry might get lost.   
  
"I feel neglected. There I was, in the droid shop, and then everyone left and deserted me. THE HORROR. I thought I'd never see any of you again. Pity."  
  
"How tragic..."  
  
  
  
  
A/N Ok, so this isn't nearly as funny as the rest, actually, it rather sucks, but now that I have extra time on my hands, I'll be able to update sooner! 


	9. Droids... who needs 'em?

A/N Alright, now I'm in a writing mood. Go figure. Anywho, lets hope this is better.   
  
  
  
"Don't Panic." Qui-Gon told Anakin as the kid put on his helmet. "The helmet looks cool."   
  
"Thanks." Anakin said, turning his attention to his pod. Bekah watched as Sebulba walked next to the Pod, and reached up for something...  
  
"I think not!" Bekah said sharply before he could break whatever it was off. Sebulba just smiled and broke it anyway.   
  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!" Bekah bellowed and she kicked Sebulba in the shin. The alien glared at her.   
  
"Bekah, we must be going..." Qui-Gon said, grabbing Bekah by the scruff of the neck and pulled her to the long spire that they would watch the race from.   
  
"But! But! The dude! He was... and then! And I was only!"   
  
"Just be quiet and watch the race."  
  
"BUT!"  
  
"Don't panic!"  
  
"I'm not! He's gonna win. Ya should bet or something."  
  
"Eh? Why bet? Everyone on the planet is here now, I have sent Obi-Wan and Kae to steal all the parts we need, and I've talked the kid's mom into letting him come with us. The kid's smart, he'll make a good researcher."   
  
"What about Jedi?"  
  
"Eh? Him? Nah."   
  
"I think he'll bring balance to the force."  
  
"What do you know about the Force?"  
  
"I only saw all 5 movies a billion times!" Bekah said, looking at the screen Padmé was holding. The race had started when Qui-Gon and Bekah were arguing, and Ani seemed to be having a tad of engine trouble. With a vroom! Ani got going.   
  
"Oooooo!" Bekah said.   
  
Ani was moving faster than the speed of sound; the pressure from the Gs was so immense, that his cheeks hurt. He quickly rounded a curve, and caught up with someone.   
  
"Aaaahh." Bekah said in awe.   
  
Ani came though on his first lap. 2 left to go. A few minutes later he was being shot at by Tuskin Raders.   
  
Bekah took in a sharp breath.   
  
"Will you stop with the sound effects?  
  
"Heh. Sorry."   
  
  
  
"Why do WE have to yoink all the parts?" Kae complained, while helping Obi-Wan and Henry carry part of a hyperdrive engine back to the ship.   
  
"Because Master is at the race, and because we are not."  
  
"I feel special."  
  
"Since when am I a donkey? I have much more of a brain capacity than you?" Henry complained.   
  
"SHUT UP!" Kae and Obi-Wan yelled.   
  
"Besides, you aren't a donkey, you're a jack ass..." Kae murmered.  
  
"Well excuse me!" Henry said, putting his hands on his waist, or where his waist would have been if he were human.   
  
"Gaaaaah!" Kae yelled, now having to hold up more weight. It didn't seem to phase Obi-Wan though, stupid force sensitive people...  
  
"HENRY! PICK UP THE THING!"  
  
"No. I am sick and tired of being treated like a droid. I want a little respect!"  
  
"YOU ARE A DROID! A MACHINE."   
  
"A machine created by man to do a man's job," Obi-Wan piped in.   
  
"That's not the point."  
  
"Oh, but it is, it really, REALLY is." Kae said, while about to collapse under the weight of the engine.   
  
"I refuse."   
  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! This is it, I'm going to be crushed, AND DIE all because of a STUPID droid who has 'feelings'."  
  
"I resent that! I do to have feelings."  
  
"But can you think logically?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then I have one up on you! NOW GRAB THE THING."  
  
"Fine." Henry said, sniffling.   
  
"You need to learn your place in this world." Obi-Wan said rather matter-of-factly.   
  
"Just shut up." Kae growled.   
  
  
  
"YIPPIE!! I WIN!" Anakin said triumphantly while being held in the air. Qui-Gon looked at Watto who hung his head. He was obviously out of a LOT of money. Bekah chuckled and looked at Padmé who wore a large grin.   
  
"We're so proud of you Ani!" she called out! Anakin blushed, but it went unnoticed because of the dirt that layered his face giving off the effect that he had suddenly sprouted a beard.   
  
Much chaos ensued as people went to get money, or tried to escape before the lost all their money. Money, that's what makes the world go 'round. Its also what makes people unhappy, which, is odd because it isn't the actual money that is unhappy to begin with.   
  
But, being as times were, this was the perfect opportunity for Qui-Gon, Padmé, Anakin and Bekah to neak out rather unnoticed for a change.   
  
They were almost to the ship, when Kae came out to greet them. Padmé took Anakin onto the ship, and Qui-Gon followed close behind them.   
  
Kae and Bekah slowly made there way back the ship, which, was now in perfect running order. Just then, a rather sinister looking creature who had been following them for a few moments jumped off its speeder and bared a red lightsaber and ominiously loomed over them.   
  
"Ooooo! Pretty!" Kae exclaimed, going all misty eyed.   
  
"Hey! Heeeey! What did we ever do to you?" Bekah said, being the SMART one and backing away from the lightsaber.   
  
"Why won't you fight me, Jedi?" it said, yellow teeth showing.   
  
"Hey, Maul Man, we don't wanna fight! Make love, not war!" Kae said, giving a peace sign.   
  
"Don't get us wrong! We're... erm... pacifists! Ya know, the mind can do more than fists!" Bekah said. Darth Maul's jaw dropped.   
  
"Crap, am I in the wrong place?" he asked, turning off his lightsaber and taking off his hood.   
  
"Naw, right place, a few minutes late." Bekah sighed. "No hard feelings?"  
  
"Well, I'm going to have to kill both of you."   
  
"You don't HAVE to kill us, per say..." Kae said.   
  
"Do continue?"  
  
"Gimme a sec, I have to consult my goatee." Kae replied, rubbing her index finger and thumb along her chin and looking perplexed. "Well, I could give you... my digital watch!"  
  
"Pardon?" Darth Maul asked, looking interested. Kae took her watch off her wrist and showed it to him.   
  
"See? It tells the time. Where we come from, there are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, 4 weeks in a month, and 12 months in a year! This watch tells time down to the second, and also, the day and the year. Very expensive." Kae explained.   
  
"OOOOO. I'll take it." Darth Maul said, his eyes bulging as he grabbed the watch and got back on his speeder.   
"Pleasure doing business with you!" Then he took off.   
  
"Wow, what a flake."   
  
  
  
A/N Now, I think that was better, muuuch better than the last chapter. Please R and R and make me very happy! 


	10. BLOOD, DEATH and DESTRUCTION

A/N Thx for the reviews guys and gals (or just Jojo, Carolyn and lightbulby29, luv ya ^.^)! I'm trying to update frequently, really, I am! Anyway, here's a new bit; I fear it's not quite as funny as the rest of the story. No, scratch that.   
  
It really needs work, but I'm putting it up for the sake of updating.   
  
Oh, the things I do for all of you. Don't mind the sarcasm, I seem to be spending much too much time around Henry, and I fear his cloudy disposition tends to rub off. Anywho, enjoy!  
  
  
  
"Well, what took you so long?" Obi-Wan inquired. He noticed Kae looking like she had lost a puppy, and Bekah seemed rather irritated.   
  
"Sith." Bekah shrugged.   
  
"I feel so naked without my digital watch." Kae sniffled, looking at her now bare wrist. Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Padmé and Ani all turned to stare wide-eyed at her.   
  
"Yeah, anyway, so we ran into a Sith Lord, and just our luck, we were able to bribe him with Kae's digital watch."   
  
"Didn't you know-"  
  
"Know what? Did you neglect to inform us of something?" Bekah snapped suddenly.   
  
"You could have read it in the Guide," said Qui-Gon with a shrug.   
  
"Oh, so now it's our fault, is it?" Kae asked in a drab voice.   
  
"Now that's just wrong." Qui-Gon said after a moment. Kae cocked an eyebrow at him, still with a sad expression.   
  
"There are two of them now, my, I do feel depressed now." Qui-Gon said, looking somewhat frazzled.   
  
"Oh dear, I do tend to agree with him." Padmé said with a sigh.   
  
"Don't just leave us hanging..." Bekah said. "Wait, maybe we don't want to know..."   
  
"If just, Kae, you are acting as if you were Henry, and it is rather depressing."   
Kae's eyes went wide with fear, and then she perked up.   
  
"I heard my name? What mindless flogging of my being was going on?" the droid asked, sounding ever so hopeless, like usual.   
  
"Absolutely nothing! We were merely, praising your impeccable navigational skills!" Obi-Wan spat out quickly.   
  
"Well, don't praise me too much, it may go to my head, and then god only knows what will happen."  
  
"Oh, absolutely not, why would we ever want that to happen?"  
  
"You tell me." At this point, everyone in the room was giving a "death glare" in Henry's direction, and fearing for his existence (one might call it his life, but he's a droid, and can always be repaired, therefore existence works better in this situation) quickly went back to give the sedated Jar-Jar company.   
  
"Anyway, what was that you were saying... something about Sith?" Kae asked brightly.   
  
"Its just, if you had your towels, you should have just wrapped them around your head. Sith are rather dull creatures, you see, they think, if you can't see them, than they cannot see you either. They just turn and walk off. Easy as that." Obi-Wan explained with a shrug. Bekah immediately got an expression of complete and total disgust, and Kae just stared at Obi-Wan rather blankly.   
  
"Is this one of those 42 things?"   
  
"Yes. Yes it is."   
  
"Oh, alright then."   
  
  
  
Coruscant is the center of the know universe. The Guide has this to say about Coruscant:   
  
  
Coruscant is probably the largest ongoing flea market one will ever encounter. Thousands of species from all over the Republic, as well as places far beyond the Outer Rim, all flock to Coruscant to live their meaningless lives. Politicians from every respectably star system (and a few not to respectable star systems) in the Republic are also frequently found in the large senate building, where they debate how to make the lives of those living in their respectable star systems better, while screwing everyone else. Must love politics, if I may quote a very reliable source (may she remain unnamed), "Republicans just aren't enough to fertilize Satan's weed garden."   
  
The most remarkable structure in Coruscant has got to be the Jedi Temple, where those lucky children go to be reformed and complete and utter mindless zombies praising the so-called "Force" and writing for the wholly remarkable book, which you are currently reading.   
  
Coruscant, was commissioned to be made by Mice, and, as most do not know, because they get bored after the republican quote, and turn of the recording, miss this very important, wholly remarkable, and utterly incomprehensible bit of information: Coruscant is actually---  
  
  
"Well, that little thing does have a habit of carrying on, doesn't it?" Kae asked.   
  
"Really, it needs to be a bit less wordy." Bekah agreed.   
  
"Good quote though."  
  
"Very."   
  
  
  
Qui-Gon led his padawan and the motley group through the cloistered hallways of the Jedi Temple. Kae and Bekah were trying to steal passing Knight's lightsabers, and oddly enough, had obtained a rather extensive assortment of the weapon. Ani was staying as close to Padmé as possible, without looking like a pervert, and Henry was mumbling about how his mummy never hugged him enough as a child.   
  
They entered the chambers of the High Jedi Council. Ani went all misty eyed and told Padmé that it was his dream to be a Jedi, in turn Padmé elbowed Obi-Wan who mumbled something to Qui-Gon, who nodded in agreement. Bekah and Kae were trying to see how many of the lightsabers they could hide down the back of their shirts (Henry just watched and scoffed).   
  
"Welcome back Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan," senior member Mace Windu droned.  
  
"Thank you Master," Obi-Wan said with a bow.   
  
"This boy, strong with the Force he is." Yoda said. "Test him, I think we should."  
  
"I disagree." Bekah said. Ani turned to glare at her. "Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against Ani, but he'll just bring BLOOD, DEATH, and DESTRUTION to the Republic."   
  
"Well put." Kae said sarcastically.   
  
"I thought so..." Bekah trailed off.   
  
"Don't listen to them, their elevators don't go all the way up, if you know what I mean."   
  
  
  
A/N Hope you like! It turned out better than I though, its a bit shorter than I had hoped. If you want to know, the quote comes from my friend Rin-chan from one of the screenplays she's writing. She's a fantastic writer. Anyway, review and I'll love you forever! (I know that sounds odd, but you know what I mean!) 


	11. Not-So-Deep Thought

A/N Ah yes, I've done it again, I wrote another random bit of insanity. Actually, I quite liked this chapter (which probably means its awful since you all like the ones I hate). Now for my every chapter ritual: I luv you guys! Thx for the reviews!   
Thx Jojo! You've reviewed every chapter thus far, haven't you? *mistey eyed* I feel special. THX SO MUCH!   
Thx Lightbulby26! I couldn't but put in the hugged thing, difunctial families, what can I say? Actually, I could say thats uts rather odd on the whole because Henry doesn't acutally HAVE a family, being a battle droid and all... lol, thx!  
Thx Silverwolfprincess! I'm really glad you decided to stop by! Never doubt the power of parodies! MUAHAHAHAHAHAaa*coughcough* oh god, not the 'sad puppy face' anything but that!   
Aright, enough of me yapping, here's the next bit!  
  
"One thing to do, about this matter there is." Yoda told the council. "Consult Not-So-Deep Thought, we must!" The members of the council looked at each other, back to Yoda, and then to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, directly at Ani, back to each other, then back to Yoda.   
  
"We agree." Adi Gallia said.   
  
"Good. The go, we should."   
  
"If you don't mind me asking, what in bloody hell is Not-So-Deep Thought?" Kae asked. Mace Windu turned to glare at her. "Oh bugger off Mace." Mace's glare grew, and then he turned away, as if decided that she was not worth his attention. She growled.  
  
"Well, I was wondering quite the exact same thing." Bekah said. Padmé turned to look at them as if they were dumber than a Bantha's bottom, which actually, was be quite accurate for the time being.   
  
"It is only the core of Coruscant, a giant, super computer, built to answer all the Jedi's problems, built by mice ("Just Like Aldeeran!" Kae exclaimed)." Padmé told them. "You really ought to study the Guide."   
  
"That's what Ben keeps telling us." Kae said.  
  
"Ben?" Padmé asked.   
  
"I decided just now, that Obi-Wan is an annoying name, and that Ben is much better." Kae told them. "You got that Ben?"  
  
"Yeeees." Obi-Wan growled.   
  
"In we go." Yoda said, pointing to a tunnel.   
  
"Um. No." Bekah said.   
  
"Why not, I ask?" Yoda said.   
  
"I'm claustrophobic?" she grinned.  
  
"Yeah, and I'm a psychopath. Lets go!" Kae said, taking Bekah by the wrist and jumping down the tunnel.   
  
It was all a blur. It went quickly from just plain gloomy to a flash of silver then when Kae looked down, all she saw was black. They seemed to be moving very fast, Kae estimated about 400 miles an hour. She looked at where her digital watch used to be.   
  
"How long have we been falling?" asked Bekah, who's eyed were squeezed shut.   
  
"I wouldn't know, I've lose my digital watch to a Sith Lord who needs to see a dentist."   
  
"Pity."   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Wait? Did you say Dentist?"   
  
"Please don't?"  
  
"Don't what?"  
  
"Don't break into a chorus of the Dentist song from Little Shop Of Horrors. It was bad enough when you actually did that at the Dentist."   
  
Bekah scowled and began to hum, and then whisper/sang "You'll be a deeeeentist! You have a talent for causing great PAIN! You'll be a deeeentist! People will pay you to be inhumane!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"The line was, 'INHUMANE'!?"  
  
"What part of 'Shut Up' don't you get?"  
  
"Humph."  
  
The bright silver light began to slow, but the floor was still coming toward them rather quickly. They eventually slowed to a stop, and stepped out of the tunnel. Yoda was right behind them, followed by Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Padmé and Ani, and lastly Henry (who, until this point had been oddly quiet, I suppose it was the lightsaber that Bekah had shoved through his speech functioner to keep it hidden).   
  
Yoda pushed a button on a computer and the screen lit up.   
  
"O Not-So-Deep Thought! Before you, we have come. Of impending doom, a question we have." Yoda told it.   
  
"You forgot BLOOD, DEATH and DESTRUCTION!" Bekah said. "Note emphasis on blood, death and destruction."  
  
"Not to mention the end of the Republic as we know it." Kae added. Ani scowled and kick both of them in the shins.   
  
"Served you right, for being so mean." Qui-Gon said.   
  
The voice of Not-So-Deep thought rang out. It sounded like Padmé's happy doors, but had a bit more sophistication.   
  
"What is this question then?"  
  
"We want to know, if we should train the boy, Anakin Skywalker." Qui-Gon said. Obi-Wan glared at Ani, it was obvious that he didn't much like the kid, it took all Qui-Gon's attention off him, and by god, he was Qui-Gon's Padawan and this little brat had come in and taken his spot in the pecking order and--- Obi-Wan looked as if he were to cry.   
  
"Hmmmmm." Not-So-Deep thought said.   
  
"Hmmmmm." Yoda replied.   
  
"It might take me a minute..." Not-So-Deep thought said.   
  
"Well, don't take a millennia like you did with Xanatos. No wonder the poor dear went bad." Qui-Gon said. Obi-Wan shifted his head in annoyance. So Qui-Gon liked everyone better, nah, just be that way.   
  
"Yes. Hold on, just a sec..... oh, right, there we are, I've got it." Not-So-Deep Thought said.   
  
"Yes?" Yoda said.   
  
"Yes."  
  
"So there is an answer?" Qui-Gon asked joyfully.   
  
"Yes, there is an answer." Not-So-Deep thought replied.   
  
"Tell us, you will." Yoda said.   
  
"This'll be good." Kae aid, elbowing Bekah.   
  
"Owww."   
  
"So, the answer is?" Obi-Wan said anxiously.   
  
"I don't think you're going to like it...." Not-So-Deep Thought said.   
  
"What's not to like?" asked Qui-Gon.  
  
"No, I really don't think this is what you're looking for." It said again.   
  
"Just tell us already," Yoda said, so annoyed that he momentarily lose his speech impediment.   
  
"The answer.... Is.... Chicken."   
  
"Pardon?"   
  
"CHICKEN!?" Ani yelled.   
  
"I think we're going to be lynched now..." Qui-Gon told Yoda, who was backing away from a rather possessed looking Ani, Padmé and Obi-Wan. Henry was looking rather uncomfortable, and Kae and Bekah were in a deep conversation about Kentucky Fried Chicken and Crl. Sanders.   
  
"Just kidding!" Not-So-Deep Thought said, "I really got you good!"   
  
"Pull the plug, on this remind me too." Yoda told Qui-Gon.   
  
"That's what you said after Xanatos."   
  
"The Answer, is Yes. Do train the boy, and after he brings balance to the Force, kill the kid quick."  
  
  
A/N Hope ya like! I'm proud, its a bit longer than the other chapter, must remeber to use dialouge... ^.^ Sorry about the LSOH refrence, I couldn't help it, it's a dentist thing. And if you didn't know what I was talking about, go rent the movie, you, poor, poor, deprived soul! 


	12. We're Very Nice Guys

A/N- Yeah, i know, i know. GAH!? WhY DIDN'T I UPDATE SOONER!? I'll tell you why. School. Hockey. See? Me has been very busy. And then last night at 11 I thought, hmmm. I need to writ something. I hope the length of with will make up for my lateness.  
  
Jojo~ Once Again, that you so much for the review. Sorry about the lateness.  
  
Silverwolfprincess~ Thanks you so much! Sorry, late, my bad. *feeling all guilty now*  
  
Kaminari~ Yaaay! I finially harassed you into reviewing! Ty anyway!   
  
  
  
So, there it was. Anakin would be trained, leaving Yoda feeling quite giddy about another Padawan to harass. Qui-Gon was rather pleased about the bragging rights that went along with finding the boy of the prophecy. Obi-Wan was brooding in a corner, mumbling something about nobody loving him, everybody hating him, and having to eat space worms. Kae assured him that he was in fact loved, and worshipped by some people, what people other that Kae, the world may never know, but yes, he was worshipped. Obi-Wan perked up quite a bit after that. Henry had had an epiphany, and was, in turn, acting a tad more depressed than usual. Padmé was following the latest fashion trend, meaning not enough lipstick and overly large shoulder pads that made her resemble some kind of a witch. Anakin was staying as far from her as possible. Bekah has just acquired from the back of the Queen's closet, a rather old a foul smelling Wookiee skin coat, which she thought quite lovely. We won't comment on that one.   
  
So there they were, and there it was. Almost everyone was happy, even though missing a digital watch. The Perfect place to end the story.   
  
Please don't get your hopes up quite yet.  
  
The Queen decided that she wanted to "suffer" under the trade Federation along with the rest of her people. This was complete and total rubbish, because, being a Queen meant that she had to be treated better than the common folk, or she'd get all PMSy on you, for god sakes people, there is absolutely nothing worse than a Queen with PMS.   
  
So they packed up their things, with the acceptation of the Wookiee skin coat (Yoda thought it made him took quite 'sezzy', once again, we won't go into that one), and headed back to Naboo.   
  
They dropped Jar-Jar off with the Gungans, and for some reason, unknown to human kind, they decided that he would make a perfect general of the army. Shortly after hearing this, the Jedi decided to take their chances in palace (there would be less spitting there).   
  
Henry was reluctant to show them into the palace, but having nothing better to do, he figured what the hey, he might as well lead them to their doom, and making sure to be going in the opposite direction. Where ever Jedi went, there was trouble. He was feeling much to depressed for that kind of thing.  
  
"EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!" Blared the PA systems throughout the Palace. "The Queen has returned! Armed Intruders in section 8A! DEFECSE STATIONS! DEFENCSE STATIONS!"  
  
"Well, they sure seem happy to see us!" Obi-Wan grumbled.   
  
"More likely, happy to kill us," Kae piped in brightly.  
  
"I cannot believe that they're going to train Ani!" Bekah was howling. Anakin kicked her in the shins.   
  
"Which way?" Qui-Gon asked.  
  
"At a wild guess, I'd say this way," Padmé said, running toward a happy door, surrounded by various pieces of black, Ewok skin furniture. Just then, a spray of Blaster fire send all of them diving for cover under the expensive furniture.   
  
"Hold it right there Amidala. We've got you covered." Said a voice over a bullhorn.   
  
"Royal guards!" Padm'e hissed. "Any ideas Jedi?"  
  
"Haven't got a clue."  
  
"Oh lovely."  
  
"We don't want to shoot you Amidala!" then another shower of blaster fire hissed over them.   
  
"I thought they didn't want to shoot us!" Kae complained. "We're gonna die!"  
  
"Yeah, what else is new?"   
  
Kae stuck her head over the arm of the chair, "Hey! I thought you didn't want to shoot at us!" and the pulled her head back down.   
  
And then, they waited.   
  
"Its not easy you know!" came the voice replied.   
  
"Pardon?" Bekah asked.   
  
"He said it's not easy." Obi-Wan said.   
  
"Not my problem."  
  
"We might have thought so."  
  
Kae once again stuck her head out, "We've got enough problems over here with thought being short out! My friend is Schizophrenic, I'm Obsessive-Compulsive, and I'm afraid we just can't deal with being shot at right now. Would you quite mind laying down your guns just for a moment!?"  
  
Another pause, then the bullhorn.   
  
"Now you see here, you're aren't dealing with the normal, incredibly stupid wankers who are a tad trigger-happy and beginning to resemble a balding bantha. Oh, no." said the voice. "I bet that you'd quiet like us if we met is a Cantina somewhere. Hell, I'd probably even buy you a drink. I don't just go around shooting people, I do it with grace and style, and then I apologize for it afterwards for at least an hour and a half."  
  
"I'm a composer!" rang in the other. "Though I haven't ever had a concert or anything, quite a pity, I can't seem to find people who want to play 'Blood, Death and Destruction,' but oh well, I suppose that's life. Just thought I'd warn you, I had a bit to drink before coming to work, so I'm feeling rather meeaaan!"   
  
"WHO ARE YOU!?" Kae and Bekah yelled rhetorically.   
  
"I think I preferred it when they were shooting at us."  
  
"We'll give you a choice, I think. Come quietly, or we'll blast you out."  
  
"Which would you prefer?" asked Qui-Gon.   
  
A split second later, the air was think with blaster fire. This continued for a few minutes then everything went so quite you could hear a mouse fart.   
  
"You still there?" Kae asked.  
  
"Yes!" They called back.  
  
"We didn't enjoy that one bit!" shouted one.  
  
"Coulda fooled meeee." Bekah scowled.   
  
"Now Amidala, you listen to us!"  
  
"WHY!?" complained Padmé. This wasn't doing anything good for her hair.   
  
"Because~ We're going to be quite intelligent and humane. Either your give up now, and come with us and let us ravish you a bit, because we are firmly opposed to needless violence, or we blow up this planet completely, along with a few others we found as we were comming here."  
  
"That's insane!" Obi-Wan protested. "You wouldn't do that!"  
  
"Oh, we would. We really would." The guard replied.   
  
"Oh yes, not questions asked." the other added.  
  
"Why?" Kae asked.   
  
"Because, there are some things, even a Liberal Guard must do. Although they are as sensitive as a wilting flower!"  
  
"Oh my god!" Bekah squeled. "They are like, Star Wars Hippies!"   
  
"I cannot believe these guys. GO DO A CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE OR SOMETHING!"   
  
"Should we shoot them for a bit?" One asked.   
  
"Yeah, why not?"   
  
There was another shower of Blaster bolts. The waited for it to end.   
  
  
  
  
The end never came, for when Kae poked her head around again, instead of two guards, there lay 4 guard fragments, and a rather pissed off looking Sith.   
  
"Oh lovely." Kae growled, standing up. "Hey buddy! How's the watch?"   
  
Darth Maul looked as if he could cry. "It broke!"   
  
"What!? How!?"   
  
"I don't know, it just stopped working all together. I don't know what happened."   
  
"Pity. Mind if I give it a looksey?"   
  
"No, not at all."  
  
The rest of the group emerged from behind the now battered Ewok sofa. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Padmé and Ani were quick to wrap towels around their heads. They seemed to be in a room with a large hole in the center, odd in the whole because what would a palace do with a large hole?   
  
"Oh! Maul, you silly, silly Dathomirian! You just put it on stop watch!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Its quite simple," she explained, "If it ever does that again, all you must do is push this button, and see?"   
  
"Amazing! Absolutly wonderful!"   
  
"I know!"   
  
Darth Maul ignited his lightsaber, doing a few battle moves for joy, and accidentally, fatally poking Qui-Gon in the stomach. Obi-Wan screamed like a girl. Kae thought he needed a hug, but refrained from doing so. Maul was standing near the hole. Kae tossed him back the watch and her aim was a tad off. Darth Maul had to reach around to grab the watch, lost his balance, and fell in the hole.   
  
"Well, that was almost too easy."  
  
"Obi-Wan! Train the boy!"   
  
"Yes Master!"   
  
Qui-Gon was dead.   
  
"Now what shall I train him as?" Obi-Wan wondered.   
  
"As a Jedi, you moron! Though he would make a splendid janitor."   
  
  
  
Qui-Gon's funeral was later that day. No once, accept the Jedi, and Anakin, wanted to stay in the cremation room. Something about burning flash, just wasn't too pleasant. As they left, Bekah found Henry laying face down in the dirt.   
  
"Henry! What's up?"  
  
"I wouldn't know. I've never been 'up'."  
  
"Why are you lying in the dirt, face down ever?" Inquired Kae.  
  
"You hate me. Don't pretend to like me. Besides, if you must know, I though it was quite a dramatic looking pose indeed. Also, a good was to appear forlorn."   
  
"Oh. We don't hate you!" Bekah piped in.   
  
"Yes you do! Weverybody does! Its only natural. Even robots hate me! I expect, if you were just to ignore me, I'd probably just go away."   
  
"We tried already. It doesn't work." Whispered Padmé.   
  
"That palace hated me."  
  
"WHAT!?" Padmé yelled.   
  
"It hated me because I talked to it."  
  
"Pardon? What do you mean by that?"  
  
"Its simple really. I got depressed, and needed someone to talk to. I plugged myself into the Palace's main computer system, and explained it my views on the Universe." Said Henry.   
  
"And?" asked Kae.   
  
"It committed suicide."  
  
A/N- Hope that you like this! Once again, sorry about my lack of writing. My bad. Please Review! 


	13. End Roll

A/N- The End! YAY!  
  
  
That night, while they made their way back to Coruscant, Henry was moping around under a large gunoop tree in the back of the ship. Obi-Wan had taken it upon himself to begin Anakin's training ASAP, as that way he could get away from the kid faster. Kae and Bekah were incredibly bored, and therefore, were once again scanning Ben's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Republic. Since they were apparently going to be living here, they wanted to bring themselves up to date with current events and that kind of goings on.   
  
They came across this entry:  
  
"The history of every major civilizations in, and out of the Galactic Republic, can be characterized in three distinct phases. Those are that of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, also knows as the How, Why and Where phases.  
  
To put it simply, How can we become drunk?, Why do we become drunk? And Where should we get drunk?"  
  
They got no further, for Obi-Wan and Anakin came out of training, both looking rather croos.   
  
"I need a drink, what about you two?" Ben asked.   
  
"Erm, yeah, I'm a bit parched, I suppose." Kae shrugged. Bekah nodded the same reply.   
  
"Alright," Ben said, thinking for a moment. "We can stop at the Cantina at the end of Coruscant."   
  
  
A/N- So, its up to you, sequel? Yes, no, perhaps? If so, what would you like to see in the sequel? Please Review! 


End file.
